The Importance of Social Connection

Social Connection is more important than ever in our society

We live in a strange world

Human beings are inherently social creatures. As far back as we can trace, humans have traveled, hunted, and thrived in social groups, and for good reason. Humans who were separated from their tribe often suffered severe consequences. Social groups provide us with an important part of our identity, and more than that, they teach us a set of skills that help us to live our lives. Feeling socially connected, especially in an increasingly isolated world, is more important than ever. The benefits of social connectedness shouldn’t be overlooked.

We, now, live in a strange world. We communicate without talking. We fight without throwing a punch. We celebrate milestones with tiny digital hearts and thumbs-up emojis. And as our digital interactions skyrocket, the data shows we’re losing real human connection. Millions of us have 1,000 “friends” online but no one who can help us move our couch.

In 2019, three in five Americans described themselves as lonely, and this was before the pandemic collapsed our social lives.1 In the fall of 2020, Harvard sent out a survey and found that things are getting worse—especially among specifics groups. Half of the new mothers and six out of 10 young adults (aged 18–25) say they are “miserably” lonely.2

Our independence is built into our cultural identity. We come from a legacy of bootstraps, lone cowboys, and figuring things out for ourselves. But researchers, mental health professionals, and public officials agree: Many Western countries are facing a social epidemic that’s devastating for our well-being. Simply put: Loneliness is killing us. The stress of disconnection contributes to addiction, ADHD, anxiety, depression, heart disease, obesity and suppressed immune systems . . . just to name a few.3,4

So, what is a human connection in the modern world?

Human connection is when two or more people choose to engage in vulnerable interactions where each person is heard, seen, known, and valued. You’re connecting with others if you feel better about yourself or the world after you’ve been with them. At the same time, the connection is a risk because people may accept you, challenge you, love you, or call you out.

Connection is a disposition you have toward people—more of a mindset than a relationship status. It’s the way you treat the friends you’ve had for 20 years, your kids, your spouse, and the person in the Burger King checkout line.

What Human Connection Is NOT:

Human connection is not perfect and comfortable.

Close and intimate relationships sound like rainbows and butterflies, but they’re super messy. Sooner or later, you’re going to screw it up. You’re going to be disappointed. But a messy relationship doesn’t always mean you’re doing something wrong—in fact, it might mean you’re doing something right.

Human connection is not digital.

Snapchat, TikTok, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and any other platform I’m not cool enough to know about do not foster human connection. They can act as a starting point or provide information updates (see next point), but they don’t even come close to the depth and excitement of true connection.

Human connection is not an exchange of information.

We live in a data-obsessed, information-driven world. We spend much of our days simply passing along information, but communication doesn’t always equal connection. I can text my wife “I love you” all day long, but holding her face and looking in her eyes and saying “I love you” is an intimate, connected experience. And it’s risky.

Human connection is not one-sided.

My friend and fellow mental health professional Chip Dodd likes to say that relationships are not transactional—they’re transformational. Relationships should be mutually life-giving—not soul-sucking and toxic. That being said, you can choose to go first and initiate a connection with others. But at the end of the day, you cannot connect with someone who doesn’t want to connect with you.

The human connection does not take place in an echo chamber.

Our default mode as human beings is to find people who act and think and look just like us. But true connection happens when we reach out and understand people who are different from us (newsflash: that’s everyone) and engage with them, despite those differences. Connection is often uncomfortable because it both challenges and encourages us.

Human connection is not proximity.

You can be close to someone physically but not be connected to them. If you’re married, you know what it’s like to be in the middle of a fight or struggle to get on the same page: That six-inch space between you in bed can feel like 1,000 miles. I’ve mastered the art of disappearing at the dinner table or being completely alone in a crowded room. The connection needs proximity, but proximity does not guarantee a connection.

What Human Connection IS

Human connection is something that can be cultivated and practiced.

One of the big myths we’ve bought into about relationships is that you’re stuck with the skills you were born with or your family’s example. Negative! Relationship skills can be learned and practiced.

If you have a hard time making or keeping friends, feel awkward at parties, or long for a more intimate connection with your partner, you can learn skills that will help you get there. You can learn to listen, ask good questions, plan, rearrange your schedule to prioritize people . . . the list goes on. You’re not stuck.

Human connection is risky.

As I said above, all relationships start with risk. Whenever we choose to expose ourselves—to be fully known—we run the risk of also being hurt. I can guarantee you that you will hurt and be hurt if you’re doing relationships well. But the risk is what makes it so exciting and scary, and ultimately, so beautiful.

Human connection is sharing the gift of presence.

Connection is about other people—not you. It’s about hearing each other, digging below the surface, and choosing to truly understand someone’s picture of reality. You cannot be connected with someone if you’re distracted by your phone or letting your mind wander. You cannot be connected to someone if you’re always waiting for your turn to speak or to tell your version of a story they’re telling. Even if you’re just sitting with each other in silence, being fully present is essential for connection.

Human connection is active.

Relationships are intentional, and they are working. But it’s a life-giving, soul-filling kind of work. Connecting with people requires thoughtful planning. It requires spontaneity. You’re always investing, rebuilding, expanding, and excavating. You’re saying, “I’m sorry,” saying, “That hurt,” and saying, “You know . . . let’s go for it!”

The Importance Of Social Connection | Jordan peterson

What does Human Connection benefit for?

Improve your quality of life

If you’ve ever moved away from your social “home base, ” you have a good idea of how much social connections shape your everyday life and well-being. One study showed that social connection is a greater determinant of health than obesity, smoking, and high blood pressure. And social connection doesn’t necessarily mean physically being present with people in a literal sense, but someone’s subjective experience of feeling understood and connected to others. The UCLA Loneliness Scale is one scale that experts use to determine a person’s subjective level of loneliness.

Boost your mental health

Friendships offer several mental health benefits, such as increased feelings of belonging, and purpose, increased levels of happiness, reduced levels of stress, and improved self-worth and confidence. A study conducted at a free health clinic in Buffalo, New York found that respondents with insufficient perceived social support were the most likely to suffer from mental health disorders like anxiety and depression.

Help you live longer

Research has shown that social connections not only impact your mental health but your physical health as well. A review of 148 studies (308,849 participants) indicated that the individuals with stronger social relationships had a 50% increased likelihood of survival. This remained true across several factors, including age, sex, initial health status, and cause of death.

Decrease your risk of suicide

Several factors put people at higher or lower risk for suicide. One of these factors is connectedness, which the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) defines as “The degree to which a person or group is socially close, interrelated or shares resources with other persons or groups.” Relationships can play a crucial role in protecting a person against suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

If you’re not sure how to begin forming social connections start by looking inward. What are your interests or hobbies? What kind of personalities are you naturally comfortable around? Devote time to becoming active in your community, volunteering, or joining a club or social organization and if you meet a potential friend, create an opportunity to spend time together. Remember that social connection that impact your overall health and well-being may begin with lattes or a shared meal, but they require time and effort. Forming strong, healthy relationships with others means opening up, actively listening, and being open to sharing what you’re going through. These relationships can change the course of your life.

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