How Success Causes Loneliness | PEP UNLIMITED LLC

Anti-Social Network: The Truth about Male Loneliness

Understanding loneliness

Success vs Loneliness

Feeling alone can happen anywhere. Loneliness, however, does not always coincide with physically being alone. In fact, we are often capable of spending time alone with ourselves and not feeling lonely. By contrast, sometimes we can be in a crowd of people, even a group of people we care about, and still feel alone. If that’s the case, what does it really mean when we say that we feel alone or lonely?

Loneliness is a common emotion that most people feel occasionally. However, if you’re feeling alone too often, or if that feeling is affecting your ability to function, loneliness may become an issue in your life. When that happens, loneliness can lead to stress, depression, and other potential negative health consequences.

According to Thomas Joiner in Lonely at the Top, success can cause loneliness when people neglect the quality and quantity of their close social relations in favor of focusing on instrumental goals associated with success.

Although being successful does not guarantee loneliness, it can be a risk factor for loneliness, especially among successful older men.

For millennia, men have enjoyed a disproportionate amount of wealth and power. Although the gender gap is now narrowing, women still earn roughly 74 cents for every dollar men earn.

Part of this gap may be due to discrimination, but another explanation is that women might be more likely to choose life satisfaction over higher earnings.

Although men have held political and economic superiority, their success has led to suffering from higher levels of loneliness. In Lonely at the Top, Thomas Joiner looks at the high cost of men’s success, showing that men’s loneliness is caused by their privilege. He states:

Much attention is focused, rightly, on men’s disproportionate share of wealth and power; too little attention is spent on men’s disproportionate share of misery, one index of which is high suicide rates.

Thomas Joiner argues that the loneliness and resulting misery are caused by ignoring relationships in favor of instrumental activities such as efficient problem-solving and a “go-getter” attitude to goal attainment.

Instrumental goals include focusing on getting ahead financially and out-competing others in the workplace. They include focusing on transactions over social relations.

Joiner states that higher levels of instrumentality give a sense of purpose and contribute to lower levels of depression in men compared to women, but women’s greater focus on relationships is a protective factor later in life.

After retirement, men are more likely to suffer the effects of their relational neglect. The competitive career orientation may drive successful men in their careers, but this success comes at a high cost.

There is also a physical cost to men’s success, potentially leading to physical health complications.

In addition to the physical costs, there are mental health costs. Upon retirement, men not only lose a sense of purpose, but they also lose many of their casual acquaintances at the workplace. This double loss increases the risk of suicide due to feeling isolated and lacking purpose.

Joiner’s message is clear: men are privileged, and instrumentally oriented, therefore neglect facilitating strong deep social ties, resulting in likely suffering from chronic loneliness later in life, perhaps without even recognizing how bad it is until it’s too late.

Jordan Peterson – Why Successful People Are Often Lonely

Solutions to the problem require men to focus on maintaining and deepening meaningful social ties, particularly later in life, or during retirement when they are most at risk.

Joiner recommends hobbies, regular gatherings with friends, and even using Facebook, which Joiner regards as a useful platform to stay connected with others.

Again, this is important because loneliness is a significant risk factor for suicide, as well as mortality through physical illness.

Men need to recognize this is a significant issue and take action to work on their interpersonal relations. Lastly, as a society, we need to acknowledge this issue and facilitate men’s social connectedness.

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